A few months ago I wrote about how many days away is too many days? This past week, I left LA to go back to New York for fashion week. I’d planned on being away from them for 5.5 days, but somewhere around the three day mark I broke. I expected the ache for my kids to set in then, but I was surprised with the force that it did this time. The longer I’m a mother, and the cooler, funnier and more independent my kids get, the more surprised I am at my urge to be there. When I was little, and in college, I always kind of expected myself to be this hard-ass driven workaholic. I’m tenderer than I ever expected to me, and sometimes I forget it and throw myself head first into travel and dinners and things that satisfy one part of me at the expense of another. It’s a see-saw.
In the depths of my missing my kids I had this thought, which I’ve tried to articulate in the past - and it’s: Having kids is like being on a long trip. The minute it starts, you start worrying about how many days you have left, even though sometimes your luggage gets lost, or you get a stomach bug, or something happens and you desperately just want to go home. There are unbelievably beautiful moments, and utterly miserable ones, but you wish it never had to end.
Other mothers have loved to remind me of how many summers you have with your kids. It’s so short! And I think until now I thought…ok well it feels like an eternity sometimes. But now I really feel how short it is. How everything I choose to do away from them is at the expense of - what?
It’s not to say I’m going to quit working or that anyone should do any one thing - I’m not saying to savor every minute because some minutes you just grit your teeth through and try not to scream.
What I am doing is exploring the limits of how far my heart can stretch before it breaks. I remember when my kids were newborns they would do that thing where they’d suddenly get startled, and their little chicken wing arms would fly out to the sides. My pediatrician said that’s them trying to “find the edges.” When they’re in the womb, they could feel the confines of their container - and once they came out, they’d search for that same comfort.
That’s what I feel like I’m doing now, and it’s more painful that I expected. Balancing the need for myself and the need for them (and obviously the need for food on the table and clothes on their backs). I never ever wanted to let go of myself before or to give any little bit of myself away, but now I’m resisting the urge to shovel mountains of me onto them like soil.
:(
And now, because I feel like it and it’s my show here, here’s a little assortment of beautiful things I like that are for you, your kids, your house, whatever. Little treats to make you feel good.
1. A very very yummy smelling body wash. Nice smelling body wash is the one thing I’m kind of fussy about and this one so far is my favorite. It smells like wood and moss etc. Corpus, $30
2. The very cutest, silliest baby outfit of all time. Stella McCartney, $115
3. Perfect little orange velvet Mary Janes (for women - not kids). Drogheria Crivellini, $98
4. God I love this pillow. If I didn’t live with a white-box minimalist man, I’d have these all over my house. Scalamandre, $399
5. My go-to tinted SPF, I don’t want to sound like a dick, but I get a lot of compliments on my skin and I think it’s largely because of this. I use the Universal shade. Iris & Romeo, $50
6. What a perfect little children’s chair! So sweet. Poppie, $139
7. I just love shit like this. I grew up so far from WASP culture that all its trappings are massively appealing to me. I have such a soft spot for lettuce ware. Tory Burch, $148
8. I get my daughter a pair of these glitter jellies from Gap Kids every summer. We both love them. Gap Kids, $20
9. Eeeeee! The cutest shorts! Buy them a size too big, roll the waistband this summer, and wear them again next. Jellymallow, $51
10. Aaaaand a little strawberry cardigan to go with it. Hanna Andersson, $56
11. A week ago I wrote about nice looking toy storage solutions, and I just found this hamper from Joseph Altuzarra’s collection for West Elm Kids. It would be great for dirty clothes, great for toys, great for blankets or stuffed animals - you name it. Altuzarra x West Elm Kids, $149
12. Great as pajamas, great as not pajamas, great together, great separate. Great as everything - this set is made in a silk cotton blend to be extra smooth and soft. Doen, shirt $248 ; pants $228
That’s it!
Your friend,
Laurel
Mine are 5 and 6. Last week, when my 5 year old had her birthday I cried for about 2 hours while she was at school. I think if you have been lucky enough to have a great career and/or do amazing things, however you measure that, kids make you realize that you don't have FOMO for other things, it is FOMO for them. I stepped way from work back after a few years in of having mine. My mind is sometimes blank and a bit bored, but mostly, I am so glad to have the weird space around being a mother. If you all really want to cry, dare I suggest this song: Go by Tracey Thorn. It is so poignant.
Every day I feel this--my heart breaking and exploding. I had a baby 5 months ago... and I have a ten year old, so I see the speed at which they travel. I wrote about my edges last week, too. Love the Moro reflex analogy. It's herky jerky perfect. Thanks. https://thenobletry.substack.com/p/the-crone-and-her-baby