Your Mom's Guide To Getting Stoned

Literally and figuratively. Plus, my parenting report card.

If I were to judge the job I’m doing as a mother objectively, and give myself a grade, I’d say my three strongest categories are:

• Remaining calm in a crisis (10/10)

• Sillyness (8/10)

• Cuddling (100/10)

My areas of growth:

• Meal prep (3/10)

• Playground (2/10) - I hate going

• Patience (0/10)

The patience piece is the sticky one - my kids are happy eating scrambled eggs for dinner. But the patience is really bad. Last week I posted a tweet about the seething rage a parent feels while trying to get their kids out the door for school - I’ve never related to anything more. I find myself paralyzed with rage over my kids’ distracted wobbling towards the front door in the morning, or by their refusal to get out of the bath at night, or put their socks on - sometimes I feel like it would be a major miracle if I can just withstand it for five more seconds.